As those of you who know me are well aware, sometimes its‚ really difficult for me to express myself, to really say what’s on my mind.* So, I’ve decided to set aside this little corner of Day Off just to have a place to speak my mind about things going on in the world. As Heather says: “Warning! Snort Alert!”

*Warning! B.S. Alert!

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Is That A Natural Wonder in Your Pocket, or Are You Just Happy to See My Eleven Dollars?

When I first moved to the Carolinas, I lived in a teeny little cabin on Highway 74A. There were only two rooms (and a loo) and they both had these big sliding glass doors with a gorgeous view. The view was of a Natural Wonder called “Chimney Rock”. I saw it all the time, as long as my curtains were open. (At night, it is lit up with spotlights.) It didn’t take me long at all to notice that this formation looked EXACTLY like a giant, um, thingy.

Of course, I didn’t really express this sentiment to anyone, as I was a woman living alone with no friends or family in the state. I didn’t want people thinking maybe I was going all cat-lady on them or anything, and no one else ever seemed to comment on this EXTREMELY obvious phenomenon. So I kept it under my hat — so to speak.

One night I went to Asheville to shop and wander and I stopped in for dinner at Barleys’ Taproom (great pizza!). As it was really busy, I invited two gents who were waiting for a table to share one with me. Of course the conversation led to where I lived, and I told them of my cabin and its view. One of the fellows immediately said, “Do you think it looks like a giant [thingy]?” Needless to say my reaction probably involved choking on my drink in humor, surprise and excitement. I said that I did indeed. The other fellow then said that when he was a kid, he visited the park with his family (I suppose that was before it cost ELEVEN DOLLARS to get in...) and said “Mom, it looks like a giant...” To which mom replied “SHHH!” before the sentence could be finished. He continued bravely on, “But Mom, it does! It looks like a giant...” “SHHH!!!”

So, it wasn’t just me. But how could thousands of tourists wander through during the on-season and not notice? Or were people just being really polite? When I Googled Chimney Rock, I discovered another stone chimney (Not so blatantly anatomical, however. The one here is circumcised, y‚all — no lie!) and the blurbs on them spoke of the local natives calling it the Elk’s Penis, and considering it a fertility symbol. This is Cherokee country here, and I am willing to bet good money that the Cherokee noticed the shape of this Natural Wonder, too. Hm. Maybe I should look up “SHHH!” in Cherokee...

What inspired this editorial is that I was flipping through the Mountain Express (the issue with Ursula and MRAF on the cover!) and I came across this ad for the park. Now there’s “being polite” - not just yelling out “WHOA! IT’S A BIG OLE @#$!” while visiting the town during a Mennonite Travelers Convention or something. And then there’s flat out denial. This ad is a perfect example of that. I will not even try to explain dear readers; you just have to see it for yourself - this majestic natural monument rendered in all its rampant cartoon glory. (Please put down your drink and swallow before you look at this link. You have been warned!).

Maybe Chimney Rock Park Corporation could capitalize on this instead of keeping it all hush-hush. I mean, if you‚re going to pay ELEVEN DOLLARS for admission, wouldn’t you rather be going to “BIG [THINGY] PARK”? And even I would wear a t-shirt that had that ad cartoon on it. Heck yeah!

So, if you’re ever in the area — and folks, it is incredibly beautiful here, well worth the trip — please stop through and see the Natural Wonder (you can see it just fine from the road without having to pay the ELEVEN DOLLARS!) and while you’re there, please feel free to call a [thingy] a thingy!

-sll-

06/19/02

ADDENDA:

It has been brought to my attention that the price of admission is now TWELVE DOLLARS!

“Flick My … … Um, Bic!”
This lovely artifact was given to me by an even lovelier boy who went all the way to Chimney Rock to get me one after I saw his outside the coffee shop about three days after the Rant came out. I will see if I can get an address for y’all in case anybody wants to have one of these for his or her very own! Thank you Adam (Baby Vin – by the way, nice Guns!)